by Joey Dee
Tue Nov 9th, 2004 at 10:19:05 PST
WASHINGTON - Bolstered by his decisive re-election and claiming a "mandate" to boldly reimagine the role of the church in our bedrooms, President Bush announced today that he was commissioning a new translation of the Old and New Testaments of the Bible.
The new translation, already being dubbed the "King Bush" version, will draw upon some of the most forward-thinking theological minds in the United States -- names such as Rev. Pat Robertson, Rev. Jerry Falwell, Rev. Fred Phelps, Pastor Michael Savage, Friar Bill O'Reilly, Sister Ann Coulter and Gurus Alan Keyes and John Ashcroft have been mentioned as possible contributors.
The King Bush translation, according to a statement from the White House, seeks to "revert to the original intent of the author, God, and drive out the demons of more permissive and French translations, by which we mean the King James Version."
Retranslated verses include:
Matthew 19:24 -- "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a gay man to enter the kingdom of heaven."
John 3:16 -- "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not fag out, but be everlastingly het."
Matthew 5:5 -- "Blessed are the rich, for they shall inherit the Senate."
Matthew 22:37-39 -- "Hate the homo as you love yourself."
Matthew 21:13 -- "My temple should be called a house of Republicans, but you have made it a den of bipartisanship!"
James 2:14 -- "Faith without works is the American way."
The Book of Acts has been struck down as "apocryphal."
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said today in a press conference, "The President believes that 9/11 changed everything. We're in a new war -- a war that is being waged within our borders as well as without, and frankly, the more liberal translations of God's Word are only giving comfort to our enemies."
McClellan finished today's press conference by leading the assembled reporters in his rendition of "Onward, Christian Soldiers," and was anointed with Crisco by Guru Ashcroft as he left the press room.